incident reports
The Daily Waste
The Daily Waste is an unnecessary publication covering office refrigerators, celestial performance reviews, missing socks, dental small talk, and other matters of no importance.
Interview with a person who reads the terms and conditions
We were told one exists. We searched for eleven weeks. We found a man who scrolls slowly, which is not the same thing, and he knows it.
Risk assessment: saying "you too" to the waiter
He said "enjoy your meal." You said "you too." We assess the blast radius: the waiter, zero seconds; you, nine years and counting.
The microwave clock is wrong and the household has adapted
Fourteen minutes fast since the outage of 2023. Everyone subtracts automatically now. Fixing it was proposed once. The proposal failed.
Weather report for the interior of the car, July
Current conditions: 61 degrees hotter than outside. Seatbelt buckle: not survivable. Steering wheel touchable at 6:40PM. Extended outlook: worse.
Annual report of the little free library
Holdings: nine thrillers, a calculus textbook that has never moved, and somebody's yearbook. Circulation is down. Morale, somehow, is not.
Peer review: your grandmother's lasagna
The methods say "season until it looks right." Results could not be replicated by anyone now living. Recommend acceptance anyway. Forever.
The Fresno hardware store has a policy now
We published a phone number. We should not have published a phone number. The store has responded with a laminated document.
Performance review: the Sun
Attendance flawless. Punctuality exemplary. Attitude a concern. Does not accept feedback, does not self-assess, and is not eligible for promotion.
The office fridge: an archaeological survey
A stratigraphic survey of a shared refrigerator. Layer four predates the lease. Layer six is load-bearing. Excavation was halted.
A field guide to the 6AM gym man
Range, plumage, territorial display, and vocalisation. He is always finishing. He has been finishing for eleven years. Conservation status: thriving.
Who is Action Jack?
He wears a pink ski mask. He may own this domain. A concerning number of women claim to know him personally. We investigated and learned nothing.
Dental small talk: a transcript
He asks questions. You have a suction tube in your mouth. We analysed it with negotiation frameworks and found something unexpected.
Missing: one sock
A laundry room poster campaign, reproduced week by week. It acquires a photograph, a case number, a lamination, and eventually a correspondent.